Highlights from the Weekend

• We had a drunk person pass out upside down on our futon Friday night. He woke up an hour later and left. 
• Some guy rolled his window down and yelled at me "WELCOME TO KENOSHA, WE'RE NICE PEOPLE HERE" and then drove away. (He must have seen my Iowa plates)
• Sam went on a date with a girl. Somehow he did not get food poisoning. 

Why I Came to an Exam with Robot Arms

For anyone who is thinking about donating plasma for the first time, be prepared to spend 2-3 hours getting it done. It's a long and tedious process filled with checks and double-checks, and there was actually even a quiz, surprisingly. I went in with Jolson, and he actually got turned down because the nurse considered it unethical to let him donate because it would make his migraine conditions worse.

After about 2 hours, I finally get hooked up to the machine and everything starts going smoothly...at first. About 30 minutes in, the machine starts making the beep-boop noises that something isn't right. One of the attendants comes over and adjusts the IV, and they continue on. After another 5 minutes, the machine starts beep-booping again, and now they are a little bit more concerned. One the attendants and a nurse come over and look at my arm for a few minutes trying to decide if my vein has been "infiltrated".

They decide yes, and move the IV to my other arm....where they stick the IV in and pretty much go "WE DONE INFILTRATED AGAIN". For those who don't know what I'm talking about, infiltration is an awesome sounding term for when the IV gets messed up in the veins, and if left unchecked for too long can lead to internal bleeding. The attendant told me a horror story about how a guy didn't say he was having any pain at all from being infiltrated without the attendants noticing, and had most of the saline solution go into his arm...creating what looked like a tennis ball under his skin.

After the second infiltration, everyone decided I was done for the day. Luckily, I donated just a little bit over the amount to receive full pay, so that was a plus. We still had to deal with my arms though. If anyone is wondering, the process for dealing with that is gauze, gauze, ice-ball (literally a little balloon of frozen water), more gauze, and then wrapped tight. For anyone who has been stuck in their arms at the joints, you know what I mean when I say that you can't move your arms normally for awhile, especially when you have FIVE LAYERS OF THINGS blocking arm movement.

The instructions said I had to keep the wrap on for at least 2 hours. I got the wraps on at 1:10....and had an exam at 2:20. Exams sure are fun when you can barely move your arms to write the answers. After two hours my right arm was fine, but my left arm (the one they super goofed) still hurt. The instructions they gave me told me I needed to put ice on it, so I went over to WoW and asked for a small bag of ice. Apparently someone in back thought small and "QUART SIZED" were the same thing. At this point I then had to go to choir and nurse what looked liked a small baby against my arm for the entire hour. This is how I ended up with Robot Arms. #donorproblems

From the Archives: Another Reason Why Sam Can't Win

For those who remember our first post, we talked very briefly about how Sam can't win. Well today I felt a further explanation was needed. So this story takes place last year, and is one of the many stories that led to our belief in #samproblems.

One night during Sam's freshman year, he and T went off to the Corner Store to buy snacks. At the Corner Store was a large stack of 2-liters at the edge of the store. Sam, in his eternally clumsy state, knocks several of these 2-liters off the stack, right in front of a group of attractive girls. Because Sam buys more food when he is sad, he bought a half-gallon of milk and a bottle of juice. However, Sam's troubles had just begun.

As T and Sam are walking back from the store, Sam starts swinging his bag of food items with delight. This delight ends up being his downfall though, as his bag breaks and his milk goes flying out of the bag and smashes open on the sidewalk. With one drink down, Sam holds the remaining drink close, but he gets excited when he gets back inside and sees Brent working the RA desk, and accidentally chips his glass bottle on the desk, and the orange juice flows out all over the desk.

Broken Drinks 2, Sam 0. #samproblems.

How We Became the Meatspin Guys

"We made a mistake, and now we must live with it." - T

I should start out with a warning. Meatspin.com is not safe for work. Do not look at this in public, do not look at this where people will judge you, and if you are faint of heart, maybe just don't look at all. For those who aren't going to look, Meatspin is a shock website that has a male having sex with a shemale.

As a prank, all of us guys started out by putting Meatspin up on everyone else's computers. If they left their computers open when they left the room, they were certain to find Meatspin on their web browsers when they got back. One time everyone but myself left the room and two of the guys left their laptops open. They came back 10 minutes later to 2 laptops and the TV screen all showing the horror of Meatspin.

This prank would have probably continued on for longer had it not been for a little bit more public exposure then we anticipated. Sam and I were walking to choir one day, and then someone on our floor just yells at us down campus drive "HEY, YOU'RE THE MEATSPIN GUYS!" It was at that point that we decided we didn't want to be known by this name, so we never put up Meatspin again.

Once again "We have made a mistake, and now we must live with it." - T

The Waitress Who Had a Long Night

Working in the hospitality industry can be hard sometimes. A few nights ago some of my friends discovered just how stressful it can be. Sam, Andrew, T and his cousin (who I call the silent one) went out to eat at Marina Gardens. They get into the restaurant and are helped into their seat by a woman in her late 40's, the kind who looked a little world-weary. This woman was a little sarcastic, but everyone knew it was in good jest, right up until dessert time.

Sam and Andrew ordered malts with their meals, and the waitress got sassy about it. Apparently making malts is a chore at Marina Gardens. After he had already ordered his meal, T also ordered a malt, and this started to upset the waitress, and by upset the waitress I mean she called T an SOB. She asked T's cousin if he wanted a malt as well. T's cousin said no, to which the waitress said "Good, because otherwise I would come across this table so fast." After everyone had finished their meals, the waitress noticed that Sam had not finished his malt, and this really upset her. It was at this point that she threatened to kick his ass.

"(Andrew) finished, (T) is going to finish because he doesn't want to get beat, so if you don't want to get beat you better finish your malt, because those malts are hard work!" - The waitress to Sam, because #samproblems.

After the meal this angered waitress gave everyone their tickets and pretty much told them to get out. The group went to go and pay. After they finished paying, the group all walked out of the restaurant. As they left, the waitress was outside smoking. The waitress opened the door for the group, thanked the group for eating, put out her smoke, and went back inside. Suddenly the group noticed what smelled like a skunk, and they were all really confused. Then like a freight train hitting the lone truck stuck on the train tracks, they all knew what they smelled: the waitress had been smoking a blunt.

Stranger Danger?

Sexilement (being exiled from your room by a roommate for the purpose of having sexual relations) is a common thing on a college campus. Last night this unfortunate event happened to a friend of mine. After trying to find people to stay with for the night, he asked if he could stay in my group, which I agreed to. He showed up at about 3AM, and quickly fell asleep on the futon. This was fine, and I had no problem with it. The problem arose from the fact that T and Andrew had went to bed before even finding out he was staying the night.

T woke up first. He saw a lump on the futon and assumed that Sam had at some point came in and crashed on the futon. After putting on his glasses, T was shocked to find someone he didn't know passed out on his futon. He quickly woke up Andrew, and the two of them went to take showers (in separate stalls, of course) and discussed what to do about this stranger on their couch. Luckily I was able to wake up and inform them about what was going on. They quickly accepted, but T made me kick him out, since he had to clean the room since his mom was coming to visit.

"I don't always wake up to strange men in my room, but when I do, they are my roommate's friends." - T

Why Dom isn't Allowed to Call People Dumb Anymore

One of the nights before school officially began, Dominic took several of the guys to Walmart to get groceries. After returning from grocery shopping, we all played video games for a few hours and then went to bed. The next day we decided as a group to go out to eat, and decided Dom was going to drive. We send Dom ahead to go get the car and bring it back. When Dom finally gets to the parking lot, the trouble begins.

Dom gets to the lot, and realizes he has no idea where his car is. He then remembers that he left his car on campus drive...for three hours. He finds his car in the back of the lot with a tow notice on it, along with a fine from campus security. Dom forgot about leaving his car on campus drive for over 12 hours. This is why Dom is not allowed to call people dumb.